Brett Favre

For quite a few years I've been waiting for Brett Favre to GO AWAY. Now I don't mind if he puts on a suit and provides TV commentary. I also quite enjoyed his rather wooden performance in "Something about Mary" (especially the so called "dancing"). I just would rather not see him playing football. I made it a practice when I attended a Bears-Packers game to spend a few moments visualizing his induction into the Hall of Fame, with the hope of hastening that event!

Anybody who's still reading probably is aware of the Dance of Retirement that Brett has been doing in the past few years. My personal opinion is that his wife and kids don't want him around the house 12 months a year because he gets on their nerves. Hence they encourage him to keep playing. The last time he played the Bears at Soldier Field (I wasn't there. I saw it on TV) it was in December and he looked absolutely miserable. "He's gone, he's gone," I thought to myself.

But no! He came back the next year and played for the Jets. I was able to ignore this. Now it's the Vikings and we are subjected to the sight of his grizzled countenance on TV Sunday after Sunday.

BRETT FAVRE: PLEASE GO BACK TO MISSISSIPPI OR LOUSIANA OR WHEREVER YOU CAME FROM!

Also to the Bears offensive line, could you please try to stop other teams from knocking Jay Cutler on his ass? I don't think it's helpful.

Let's All Eat Korean

Anybody who knows Chicago is aware of the fact that you can't swing a cat without hitting a cheap and delicious ethnic restaurant. When I first moved here I didn't have much money. It was a big treat to go to a Korean restaurant down the street called Poolgogi where the food was... cheap and delicious. At the same time, I think Korean establishments are among the more intimidating of ethnic places around here. On the one hand you have the somewhat shady seeming nightclubs promising karaoke and "dancing" where respectable ladies dare not enter. On the other hand you get places with no English signage promising baffling Korean-only menus.

I visited one of the latter when I was an intern at a refugee mental health program. My friend and colleague from Laos, Somlith, was also a fan of Korean food. One day we went to lunch at one of those intimidating no-English places. The tables had little braziers in the middle with exhaust fans over them to suck out the smoke. Everyone in the place was Korean, with no English in sight or hearing. Like most Lao people, Somlith was friendly and cheerful. When a nervous waitress approached us, he asked her name, which was Kim something, like 50% of the world's Korean population. "Like Kim Il-Sung," Somlith remarked cheerfully. "He was dictator!" The poor girl fled to the kitchen, I'm sure horrified at being mentioned in the same breath as The Great Leader. Fortunately, there was an amused bi-lingual businessman in the place who helped us order up a delicious (and cheap) meal. We cooked the meat at the table on the brazier.

Well, my friend Tom was in town from New Mexico recently, and he was jonesing for some Bulgogi, a grilled, marinated Korean beef dish. (I guess there aren't too many Korean restaurants in NM.) I went on-line to find some place cheap and authentic and came up with a restaurant on Lincoln which shall remain nameless. It turned out to be a converted lunch place with a counter and a few booths. There was no one there but us and the proprietress, a (surprise!) Korean lady wearing glasses with green frames. She had a "bubble" hairdo which you may remember from the 60s, covered with a hair net. She was watching a Korean game show on TV. There was no Bulgogi on the menu, but she assured Tom that she could make it for him, so he ordered it, and I asked for a tofu and vegetable stew. She came back with an amazing array of little dishes filled with relishes and vegetables. My entree was in a stoneware dish, plunked on the table with the contents at a FULL ROLLING BOIL (anyone who has ever made fudge knows what this is). I swear it boiled for a good minute or two, right in front of me. Tom was perplexed by a bowl of rice with a fried egg on top and no beef. Between the boiling food, the no-beef bulgogi, the Korean TV show, and the lady's hairdo, I was about ready to lose it. Poor Tom made the best of his meal, and I enjoyed the stew, once it cooled off enough for me to eat it. But no marinated beef.

Just as an aside, Tom and I went out to breakfast the next day at another restaurant that shall also remain nameless. We both ordered pumpkin-blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs, and they were terrible! I swear, how can you fuck up pancakes and scrambled eggs? Jeez.

www.trifood.com/bulgogi.html

Metro, November 5, 2009

First of all, I have to note that I'm not used standing in the adult line to get into a show. I'm accustomed to stumbling into a club at an all-ages show around 7 PM, and the above mentioned performance(adults only!) started at 9:00. Oddly, there were more of us old farts at the last all-ages show I attended (Riot Fest) than this one, which apparently was pitched toward the mature (or at least the legal).

But I digress. The opening act was Final Fantasy. Basically this was a guy, Owen Pallett, who seemed like a nice person, singing and playing the violin, using the miracle of modern technology to repeat and overlay his violin melodies while he warbled along. Another guy (apparently his beau), played guitar and drums. Well, not to my taste, but I'm glad there are some career options available for classically trained musicians other than being eaten alive by their high school music students.

Then we come to the Mountain Goats...John Darnielle mainly. I was introduced to them on a mix CD someone was nice enough to make for me. There were some bands on it I love (i.e. Aztec Camera), and some that would send me screaming from the room (i.e Cat Power), and plenty of warbling (i.e. Anthony and the Johns). The Mountain Goats stopped me cold. I've never heard anything quite like them: yelping vocals, twisted humor, yet with a sense of goodwill and fellowship with the listener. I still remember driving my car the first time I heard "No Children," an account of a marriage going down the toilet. Image followed horrifying image until Mr. Darnielle described the unhappy couple going into eternity "hand in unloveable hand." I was laughing so hard I almost crashed the car.

I got to see them the first time at a benefit concert in honor of Sean Silver, a young man who died after a long struggle with cancer. The concert raised funds for the Ulman Fund, an organization dealing with cancer in young adults. John Darnielle played with the drummer from Superchunk, the headliners (they were smokin', but that's another post). I was very impressed by how respectful he was of Sean, especially since I don't think he knew him.

This show did not disappoint. I laughed, I cried. John Darnielle has an unusual world view and he is awfully funny. Check out The Mountain Goats!

www.mountain-goats.com
www.ulmanfund.org

Let's All Dry Our Hands

With all the hand-washing and other hygiene that's going around, it's got me thinking about drying one's hands. Since I drink a shit-load of water, I'm always going to the bathroom and zealously washing my hands afterward.

Home: In each bathroom I have a hand towel designated for drying the hands after washing. I change the towels weekly.

Office: My landlord has paper towel dispensers in all the bathrooms. They are stocked with warehouse club paper towels. These are flimsy enough that you have to use two or three to get your hands dry. Also, sometimes when you try to pull out a towel, a whole bunch of them come out and fall on the floor. Then you are left with the moral dilemma of whether to shove the unused towels back into the dispenser, throw them in the waste basket, or leave them on the floor.

Blowing Hot Air Dryers: These are the white dryers with the silver nozzle that directs the air to your hands or face. We had them at St. John the Baptist High School in Ypsilanti, Michigan. I swear they shot blue sparks at you while you were trying to dry your hands. Thirty years later, I still hate these dryers!

Public Humiliation Dryers: These dryers require you to wave your hands in front of them trying to catch the attention of their electric eye in order to get the dryer to spit out a paltry section of towel. I stand before them prostrating myself in vain trying to get them to work. Usually I wait until an eight year old comes into the bathroom, and get her to help me extricate the towel from the dispenser.

The World's Most Perfect Dryer: I fall to my knees before the Dyson Airblade hand dryer. It works, it feels good, it doesn't shoot out blue sparks. They have them in the Providence airport, and you should definitely check them out!

www.dyson.com/dryers/

Twilight

In my psychology practice, I often work with adolescents. Therefore, I felt it was my duty to familiarize myself with The Twilight Saga, by Stephenie Meyer, which I did. Yes, I cringed, yes, I snorted and rolled my eyes. Then when I finished the final book, Breaking Dawn, I started all over again, and just this week finished my second reading of the series. In my defense, I was getting the books from the Chicago Public Library, and due to their amazing popularity, it took forever to get through the series twice, but really, wouldn't you think I'd have better things to do with my time?

Item One: Bella, the heroine, gets interested in a young man in her biology class... and he turns out to be A VAMPIRE! In the next book she gets interested in another guy, the son of a friend of her father... and he turns out to be A WEREWOLF! I mean this girl cannot catch a break. I won't even tell you what she goes through in books three and four.

Item Two: Bella's relationship with the vampire, Edward epitomizes the forlorn, misguided romantic fantasies of the unwashed hordes of American adolescent females over the ages. Due to the devastating power of his vampiric passions, Edward cannot indulge his carnal (not sure if this is the correct term for a vampire) desires for Bella. Instead he lies chastely with her every night in her rustic bedroom, holding her to his icy chest. In fact, he hopes to share her life while she remains human, adoring her as she ages and dies, while he remains drop-dead gorgeous, and doesn't take up with some vampire swimsuit model. Now ladies, you all know this is some kind of bull-shit.

Item Three: In the course of my research on this subject, I learned that Stephenie Meyer is a member of the Church of Latter Day Saints, that is a Mormon. To me, this explained a lot. I think LDS ideas of marriage informed her concept of the relationship between Bella and Edward. First of all, Edward insists that he and Bella marry before she becomes a vampire. (Meaning before they have carnal knowledge of one another). Also, the concept of celestial marriage, where husband and wife are married not just on earth, but in heaven through all eternity, is reflected in Edward and Bella's marriage. They expect to spend eternity together,(if they aren't wiped out in some intra-vampire conflict, of course) and this is vital to their union . Check out the last page of Breaking Dawn if you are sceptical of this hypothesis.

Item Four: By the way, I can't stand the actors they got to play Bella and Edward, and I don't really think the guy playing Jacob is all that hot either. I refuse to see the movies. Rather spend my time picking lint out of my navel.

Item Five: These books were real page turners!

www.ldschurchtemples.com/mormon/marriage/

The Cat as Artist

Many of you know my cat, Roddy. When I sit down at the computer, he often arrives to horn in on the action------------------------------------------------------standing, sitting, and otherwise having his way with the keyboard. I decided to give him unbridled access:90jhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjhjh\\\8=. Here comes some more





ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiu7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7u7777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777

777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777yyyyyyyyyyy````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````in case he has something to say that might be of general interest.

By the way, apparently some cats can do math.

www.clearwaterpublishing.com/calculus.htm

GNC Complete Body Cleansing Program

Do you ever feel toxic? I know I do (frequently). With 'we live and hope' being one of my mottoes, I decided to try the above-mentioned General Nutrition Complete Body Cleansing Program. This program requires four doses daily for two days of a liquid "complete detox formula." (GNC also has detox products that require you to use them for longer periods of time, but I feared that lack of discipline, laziness, or short attention span might interfere with my correct execution of the program, so I went with the easiest one.)

This product makes up quite a tasty drink, and it was no hardship to down a dose four times a day. As for results, I can tell you that I slept most of the day after finishing the detox, and my excrement turned some strange and memorable colors. Hopefully these phenomena were caused by the discharge of toxins! If you do decide to try this detox, and you live in Chicago, be sure to go to the GNC at the Gateway Center (Clark and Howard), or the one next to the Berwyn El stop, and give my friends Bobby and Barclay some business!

www.gnc.com