Let's All Enjoy the Cold Weather

Hello Chicago! It's cold again...

When I first moved here, I had been living in Southern Illinois for a few years. I was scared to death of the cold. With the arrival of the first frost, I walked into Eddie Bauer's and plunked down money for the most expensive winter coat in the place, the Polar Parka, which boasted a survival range down to -45 degrees farenheit. (I still have it). For years I was miserable in the winter. In particular, my butt was always cold. Then I gained weight, and the situation improved marginally. (There's a reason there are no Eskimo super-models). In the late 90s and early 00s, I got really thin for a while. It wasn't just my butt that was cold during that period! At night I attired myself in a wool hat, flannel pyjamas, wool sweater, and sheepskin slippers. Then I got under a down comforter. However, after my 50th, I experienced a strange convergence of hormonal chaos and fat. Suddenly, I loved the cold! Tonight I was out in the snow wearing sneakers, jeans, a cotton shirt, my Washtenaw Country Club hoodie, a down vest (unzipped), and the kind of gloves skiers put under their for-real gloves. I felt great!

Can somebody please find me a job in a meat locker?